Do you break plans so you can see him or text him interesting or funny stories only to have him contact you less and less?
I know how that feels. I went through so many relationships where men just drifted away despite all the attention I showered on them and how accommodating I was.
Or was it BECAUSE of those things?
Psychology shows that working for something makes you appreciate it more. If you’ve ever had to work and save to buy something you really wanted, you understand this. Like the stereotypical car story. If you had to work for it, to you that old Chevy is a Rolls Royce! It’s value to you increased in proportion to the effort you put in to obtain it.
Relationships work the same way.
The less effort a man needs to expend to get your attention and affection, the less he’ll give you and the less attractive you’ll wind up being.
This is for two reasons.
First because men are pursuers, actors, hunters. They don’t want to be given a prize without making an effort. They want to earn it.
The same trophy he proudly brings home and displays on the mantle after playing with his team in the cold and the rain, exhausted and aching, would be worthless to him if you wrapped it up and gave it to him as a gift – no matter how pretty the package.
It’s the effort and sacrifice that make it a great prize.
Second, because it’s human nature to place greater value on something that’s scarce.
Just look at how when the stores sell out of the “hottest” toys of the season, their prices skyrocket on eBay as Christmas approaches. When you get the last one, even if you had to pay a fortune, you feel victorious!
So what does this mean in relationships?
Women can be so loving and generous that giving comes as naturally as breathing. But when you’re trying to create a romantic relationship with a man, this backfires. It’s like you’re wrapping up and giving him the trophy. It’s like there’s so much of your time to go around he doesn’t have to work to get your attention.
If you give to him when he didn’t move towards you first, it’ll feel weird and pushy to him because he won’t feel like he earned it.
He’ll back off. He won’t treat you as valuable. He’ll feel that because he didn’t have to earn it, you’re willing to give yourself to anyone, even if you’re not.
When you give to a man without him doing anything to deserve it, he thinks that what your giving is cheap – that YOU don’t put value on yourself.
And if you don’t place value on yourself, how can you expect him to?
I know it’s hard to hold back when you’re excited. You want to share things with him and spend time with him whenever you get the chance.
Maybe you give him little gifts without it being a special occasion. Maybe you keep your calendar open or break plans with friends when it’s convenient for him to see you. Maybe you go out whenever he wants to even if you’re feeling exhausted.
I know it seems like you’re just showing your interest. But when you do these things, he doesn’t need to spend any energy, plan ahead or work for your time and affection.
Because it’s always available, your attention loses it’s value. You lose your value. You go from high status to bargain basement.
Relationship needs to be a two way street.
It’s like you and he are tossing a ball back and forth. You shouldn’t toss it to him unless he passes the ball to you first, and you shouldn’t toss him another ball before he gives you back the first one. He’ll feel bombarded and want to get away!
How do you raise your value?
By putting the focus back on you and investing yourself in things that make you happy outside of your relationship with him. This also means continuing to live your life on your schedule and let him fit himself around you.
When you focus on yourself and your other interests, your energy will naturally shift away from him and he’ll feel it!
He’ll know that in order to be in your life, he’ll need to adjust to yours – that your time and attention is scarce and valuable.
Rather than causing him give up, when you focus on your own life he’ll up his game and get busy re-arranging and planning things just so he can be with you.
You’ll have just raised your degree of difficulty!
I’ve seen this in action first hand. I’ve had more than one man cancel meetings or re-arrange their schedules because I was busy with my own life and could only fit him in on certain days.
When you fit your life around a man – cancel plans, wait for his calls – he feels your energy all over him and moves away. Then if you continue to move forward and tolerate his bad behavior, you lose your value even more.
On the other hand, when you say with your actions “maybe….if I can fit it in,” he becomes intrigued.
I need to be clear, though, this is NOT manipulation.
A client once told me she read a book that encouraged women to “act totally uninterested” to get a man’s attention. This is the wrong attitude, and it’ll eventually backfire. Waiting a certain number of days to return his calls or acting uninterested to get a man to do something is a strategy.
Strategies DON’T work.
Any pretending or lying or doing things only to manipulate him will feel like leaning forward energy to him. Men aren’t stupid. They can feel it. He’ll catch on, and he’ll pull away.
You need to focus on yourself and your needs in an authentic way. Then he’ll step up his game.
How do you do this?
1. By filling your life with the things that you love. Find things that you are passionate about and get busy!
2. By dating around and engaging the men around you. Surround yourself with positive male energy! Even if you don’t want to date other men, flirt with the world! This will build your confidence, and you’ll get used to how good it feels to have men moving towards you.
3. By listening to your body and giving it what it needs. Nurture yourself, not him. It’s ok to say you can’t go out because you feel exhausted and need to rest. It won’t push him away if you stay warm and open.
Create a passionate life surrounded with positive energy so you can be your best for him and for everyone around you. This raises your value.
By being a fulfilled, confident woman who respects her own needs, he’ll feel honored to spend time with you and be inspired to make himself a part of your life.