I know that I’ve been through it. And when I see someone in pain, I want to do anything I can to help.
The problem is, when he’s sinking and we start trying to do things to help, it triggers him to move away.
Then, when we sense the distance increasing, we panic, lose our self confidence and start following him down the hole.
Or worse, we try to be sympathetic and he winds up turning his grief and anger on us.
Because we lose our confidence, we allow ourselves to become his emotional punching bag.
I know it’s hard to sit back and watch someone suffer without doing anything, but sometimes a man just needs to go back to the cave.
He needs to be left alone to work things out for himself, and the worst thing you can do is to offer your help or advice.
You need to step back and let him figure it out.
This is the pattern. Something bad happens to a man, and he feels a need for space. He becomes distant and erects a wall around himself.
You feel the distance, panic and move towards him.
When I’ve been in this situation, I first wind up being his therapist. DON’T.
He might appreciate it, but it won’t close the emotional distance.
You’ll be shouting over his wall – speaking from your mind to his and not connecting to his heart.
You might try to melt the distance – scale the wall or break it down. But then you just invade his space and he’ll build the wall higher, abandon you or worse – he’ll direct his anger towards you.
What you need to do is accept where he is. Accept that it’s not your job to fix him. You can’t. He needs to do it himself.
Don’t feel that the distance was caused by something you did. That he is rejecting you. In reality he just needs time to sort things out.
He’ll take down the wall when he’s ready. It’s not your role to move towards him or break it down.
Your role is to stay strong and centered on yourself and the great things in your life. He’ll see from watching you how much better things are on the outside.
Staying strong will also give you the chance to step back from your doing, thinking, masculine energy and evaluate how you really feel in his presence.
You might find that it isn’t so wonderful after all.
If you recently started dating a man in this situation, then I recommend dropping him. He needs to fix himself or he won’t be fit to have a relationship with anyone.
There are many other well adjusted men out there. You shouldn’t have to work at it and you DEFINITELY shouldn’t put up with anyone who isn’t pursuing you full steam.
If you are living with him or in a longer term relationship, then take a step back. Let him alone and focus on the things you’re passionate about.
Stay warm and receptive, but don’t go looking for him. He needs time to work things out.
I know how hard this situation can be. I’ve experienced it both with my ex-husband and with men I’ve dated.
Keep in mind that you are so beautiful and valuable and never deserve to be the focus of rejection or anger from any man.
Love yourself. Accept where he is. Step back. Let him go to the cave.
I can’t promise you he’ll come out., though this is the best shot you have when he does.
I can promise you that if he doesn’t come out, there are many other men out there who don’t require work and just want to take care of you.
You deserve that.
If you want to learn more or are in a specific situation and need private coaching, then contact me and let’s talk.